Stronger Than You Know

I've had a nagging in the back of my mind for the past couple of weeks.  Some nights it's louder than others.  It all started with the looming of the husband having to leave in the upcoming months for an undetermined amount of time.  I get the arduous task of planning for him being gone.  How to get the kids to all their appointments, how to get them to events, all day to day things and any unforseen things.  It's the unforseen that has me on edge.  He may be one during hurricane season.  If this is the case, that leaves all the prep, boarding up, and anything of that nature up to me while he is gone.  Deciding whether or not to evacuate if need be.  My anxiety climbs thinking about it.

Then came the incident in Hawaii.  I'm sure by now everyone has heard of the false alert that went out over the islands, warning them of an incoming missile.  I can't even imagine the emotions that ran through them all, thinking they were basically about to say goodbye forever.  One thing in particular stood out to me though.  Military personnel were being moved.  This is their job.  I fully expect that to be the reaction when there is some sort of threat.  I did it myself when 9/11 happened.  But then, as a civilian, it caused a sinking pit in my stomach.  Those service members headed straight into work, not able to be with thier families and loved ones.  People leaving for work early in the morning before their families woke, then all having a scare that it was the last time they were going to see them.  Not even getting to say goodbye.  No decision to be made.  No choice but to go into work and do what you're trained to do.

These two events got me thinking even more.  Last year when we faced evacuation, so many people commented on how I was able to do so on my own.  Ships pull out when there are those natural dangers, which means service members go with them.  In the moment, I did what I had to do.  I didn't have time to dwell on the fact that all the major decisions were on my shoulders.  I had to just do because my kids depended on me.  Comparing the situations, and the feelings, I've found that that's the difference.  When you're in the moment and you have to do, you just do.  You find the strength buried deep inside and you run with it.  And yo don't stop running until it's over.  Thinking about the events in advance makes me sick.  My anxiety rises and I get scared.  Down right terrified.  Do I want my family to be scattered?  Do I want to be the one to make the tough choices?  No and no.  But do I do it?  Of course I do.  Because military life doesn't give you the option to not to. 

Everyone has these moments.  What we do with them is what matters.  Curl up and let it consume you, or trudge on  Find that you're stronger than you thought.  And when it's all over, have a glass of wine.